Anger and Healing Grace

A lot of Christians have trouble knowing how to express strong emotions appropriately, especially anger. In some families that I have counseled, depression is more acceptable than anger. Why? Because, of all the things in the human heart, anger can be one of the most intense, destructive, and unhealthy emotions that we can experience. If not handled in proper way, it can have drastic life-changing consequences. However, anger is normal and natural. Moreover, we all get angry! Given that fact, we are not responsible for being angry, only for how we respond to and use anger once it appears. That’s why the apostle Paul said, “In your anger, don not sin” In Minirth and Meier’s book “Happiness in Choice” they write, ‘humans were created with a capacity to experience potent emotions, including the passion of anger’.

How do you define anger? It’s not easy. What we do know, mostly from personal experience, is that anger occurs in varying degrees of intensity and is expressed in countless ways. Mark Cosgrove, a Christian therapist states that anger has 3 components:

1. Emotional (e.g. feeling hurt)
2. Cognitive (e.g. “you need to know how much you hurt me”)
3. Behavioral (e.g. yelling)

The difficulty is that when you are angry you can’t separate the three. Instead, we experience anger as one continuous surge! In fact they are so intertwined that until you “stop, relax, and think” you will have difficulty untangling them. This sometimes results in feeling hopeless. But there is hope.

Les Parrott writes, “Anger is so common during adolescence that many people believe that its absence is a maladaptive sign. People expect adolescents to be angry and even slam doors shut now and then. Anger is part of the important and painful process of individuation.” (Parrot, 1993, p. 55)

So where do we begin?

1. Understanding what the Word of God has to say about anger. Regardless of the reason for anger, the Bible has answers on what causes anger, examples of good (righteous) and bad (unrighteous) anger and how we should deal with it as Christians. As you read these verses, prayerfully allow God the Holy Spirit to change your heart and mold you into the person He has called you to be. So the following verses give an overview of what anger looks like:
 Examples of Righteous Anger
– Psalm 7:11
– I Kings 11:9,10
– 2 Kings 17:18
– Mark 3:4,5
– John 2:13-16
 Results of Unrighteous Anger
-Genesis 4:5-8

-Psalm 37:8

-Proverbs 15:18

-Proverbs 29:22

-Proverbs 30:33

 Overcoming Anger
-Proverbs 14:16,17

-Proverbs 14:29

-Proverbs 19:11

-Ecclesiastes 7:9

-James 1:19,20

 Put Off Sinful Anger; Put on Forgiveness and Lovingkindness
-Matthew 5:21-24

-Galatians 5:19-21

-Galatians 5:22-25

-Ephesians 4:26-28

-Colossians 3:8,12-13

2. Pinpoint the Severity – At the beginning of treatment it is helpful to assess the intensity of the anger. The Novaco Anger Scale is a helpful assessment

3.Understand Your Own Anger – Remember that Anger has been experienced by all. To be human is know anger. Even the best of therapists have lost their tempers. Ask yourself the following:

 What is your attitude toward anger?
 What makes you angry
 How do you cope with and redeem your anger?

4.  Understand the Anger Control Train

 Triggers – – the external events and internal appraisals (self-statements) that produce anger arousal
 Cues – refer to those physical experiences that signal arousal. The signals include accelerated heartbeat, flushed cheeks, tightening of the muscles, butterflies in the stomach, and rapid shallow breathing.
 Reminders – self-talk or self reminders that we use to loser the level of anger arousal
 Reducers – reminders continue the effort begun by reminders. Reducers can be relatively simple; counting backward from ten or a hundred
 Self-evaluation – reflecting on the progress enables us to appraise how well we are doing.

5. Teach Rational Alternatives to Enraging Beliefs – technically these are called cognitive distortions and the three that seem to show up with anger are:

– Labeling – this is calling yourself “a jerk” “rageaholic”
– Mind Reading – this is where we invent explanations for the actions of others
– Magnification – – this is where an anger-creating distortion of negative even is blown out of proportion.

6. Practicing Imagery Exercises – I call this the re-writing of the script. Counselor H. Norman Wright uses this to control and reduce anger. He suggests that counselees indicate the five most anger-creating situations they are currently experiencing. Have them close their eyes and use their imaginations to recreate one of these situations. Allow them to hear the self-statements and watch how they react with anger. Next, have them relax. I called this controlled breathing. Breath in (through your nose) for 5 seconds (“Smell the Flowers”)…Hold it for 5 seconds…then exhale slowly for 5 seconds (“Blow the candles” – as if there were a hundred of them and your are blowing them out one at a time!!)…Then imagine the same situation but with rational self-statements that slow down the process of anger. Help them visualize themselves responding to the provocation in a calm and relaxed manner. With practice you will change responses the next time you are confronted with the same situation.

7.  Be Honest with God about how you feel – God can take our anger. God has seen our anger; He has even experienced anger. Talk freely about your feelings. You may want to talk to God as if He is sitting across from you or you can write a letter to God telling Him how you honestly feel.

8.  Remember – It’s all about Grace and Forgiveness. When I’m filled with those roots of bitterness and hatred I ultimately need to experience the healing grace of God. I need to remember what Ephesians 4:26-28 – Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you. Recall the worst thing that you have ever done and remember (AND EXPERIENCE) THAT GOD HAS FORGIVEN YOU – THAT HE REMEMBERS YOUR SINS NO MORE! Les Parrott is right when he writes: “Forgiveness holds more promise for aiding an effective resolution to the problem of chronic anger than any other therapeutic intervention.”

Resources

Helping the Struggling Adolescent – Les Parrott

Counseling for Anger – Cosgrove

Happiness is a Choice – Frank B Minirth and Paul D. Meier

Self-talk, Imagery and Prayer in Counseling, H. Norman Wright

Love and Anger in Marriage, D. Mace