Your fear buttons get pushed every day. Yet it’s your reaction to those fears that determines whether you are stuck in the Fear Dance – and you control the thoughts that control your reaction, not external circumstances.
PAUSE FOR A MOMENT AND PONDER THIS STATEMENT:
YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR REACTION, AND YOUR REACTION IS BASED ON YOUR THOUGHTS.
Cognitive therapy holds that from all of your thoughts will come your actions and your emotions, either negative or positive. Your thoughts are the basis for your feelings and reactions.
You have the choice about how you react when someone pushes your fear button. No one else controls how you think. No one else controls how you react. You alone do that.
WHAT’S THE REAL PROBLEM?
Most couples come to marital therapy with two very long lists:
1. the specific problems they’re having as a couple (finance, kids, sex, etc.)
2. All the behaviors they want the other person to “fix.” In other words, “If my spouse would only change___,I’d be happy”
Point: The External problem is rarely the problem. The problem is never about a list of issues. You can’t control the externals, you can’t control the other person , “You can’t get him or her to stop yelling or to stop doing anything else….but you can control your thoughts and how you react when your buttons get pushed. You can choose to Plug into the Power of One. You can control to take personal responsibility.
Problem is that we spend most of our time and energy talking about the other person is doing or not doing. We focus our efforts on complaining or describing the hurtful activities of our friend or partner….this leads only to disappointment and frustration and anger.
Norman J. Townsend, LMHC/LMFT 